I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
