I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Randomize
