Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
