you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
