i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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