fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
