I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
