why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
