I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
