you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
