Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
