Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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