The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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