We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
