So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
