Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
