I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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