I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
