I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
