Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
