So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
