Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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