Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
