Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
