Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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