stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
