Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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