i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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