I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
he had hair everywhere except his balls
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I would fuck him just for his dog
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
