do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
