My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
