I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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