Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
