checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
