i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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