Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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