that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
