Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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