if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
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