I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Bring me that man meat
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Ladies don't puke and tell
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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