Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Randomize
