mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
