i just google imaged poop.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I think I sprained my soul last night
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
