nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
