The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize
