matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
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