I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
