That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
