just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
