Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
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