My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
