did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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