if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
